When Elves Attack: A Joyous Christmas Greeting from the Criminal Nutbars of the Sunshine State
Series: Serge Storms, Book 14
By: Tim Dorsey / Narrated By: Oliver Wyman
Length: 5 hrs and 2 mins
Shaaaaaamelessly raucous and raunchy… oh how I laughed…
Seriously, I’m impossible. I’d listened to When Elves Attack reeeeally early on in the week, listened to the four others… and promptly forgot the enTIRe thing. Man, I’ve got the short-term memory of a bumbling gnat.
I did remember chuckling a bit, tho’ I also remember being more than a little bit scandalized. F-bombs, little old grannies bumping and grinding and bemoaning the high rate of STDs in retirement communities, a high body count, and a vast gingerbread house laced with pot.
I mean, from the get-go author Tim Dorsey throws it all out there. And I tittered politely.
But when I listened to it again to refresh my memory? Oh jeez, I howled with unmitigated mirth. It is THE most non-PC book that’s actually eminently VERY PC. The war on Christmas? Actually a war on inclusivity at the time of the Holidays. Christmas cards? Whaddabout Xeroxes sent out en masse instead of heartfelt wishes?
Holiday dinners with family? Or mom-in-laws from HELL who are beYONd passive aggressive but who inspire 15-year old granddaughters to aver that they actually worship Satan?
Serge A. Storms is tooling about town (‘Twould appear Florida is THE most whacked out state in the country) with his beer-guzzling, pot-toking, you name it—he’ll imbibe it—buddy Coleman. Coleman, coming out of his latest drug-addled stupor wonders why Serge is driving with a Glock in his hands…? Turns out, Serge is the type o’ lovable serial killer who simply doesn’t realize it’s in his hand.
Jim and Martha Davenport are two verrry different people who apparently have had run-ins with Serge and Coleman in the past… and it never went well. Jim, sooo conflict-avoidant, just wishes Serge in particular will just go away. Martha, however, is ADAMANT they begone from her sight posthaste.
But Serge is on a mission. He’s quite admiring of the kinda normal family man that Jim is, and in this festive tale he seeks to closely emulate him. Hmmm… all whilst doing The Only Right Thing To Do and taking God’s work into his own hands. Vengeance hath no fury like a serial killer who’s donned Elf Attire.
Add four grannies who are sooo sick of their retirement community and who are perverse as all get-out, toss in a fired mall cop who’s out to do the Davenports grave harm, chuck in a mall Assistant Manager ALSO hellbent on revenge, and chuck in a no-gooder every now and again who must be dealt with, and Serge and Jim have their hands full. Things go verrrry awry, but never fear: Serge with jingle bells on the curled toes of his elfin slippers (Along with heavy firepower, Legos used creatively, Black Friday stampedes/Christmas lights utilized, and even a frozen turkey chucked into a deep fryer…) has it aaaalll under control.
Oliver Wyman, man I love the guy! does this all so very very well. My only problem was that his voice for Serge is quite like Joe Pesci in “Goodfellas” so my image of the adorable psychopath was that of a short unkempt guy rather than the cool drink of water with piercing blue eyes that the other characters see. Plus, dude! the elf costumes: HiLARious. Still, Wyman does every single character in this Cast of Thousands audiobook effortlessly, whether it’s young Nicole or even if it’s her disreputable boyfriend Snake… up on a roof (Listen to this audiobook and you’ll discover just how he got up there).
DESperately ribald, sooo a Different Kinda Christmas Tale, definitely worth a Listen esPECially if you’re quite done with the sappy sweetness of other stories.
Man, never have I been so terribly pleased that I comPLETEly forgot an audiobook and had to listen for a second time. Oh jeez, there’s NO forgetting it this time…!
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