Watchers

Written and Afterword By: Dean Koontz / Narrated By: Edoardo Ballerini

Length: 16 hrs and 31 mins

I wanted to love this, really I did—but the tangents! oh the tangents!

Dude!

Koontz had me at super-intelligent dog… all right! all right! He had me at dog.

And the opening is really creepy with 36-year old Travis trying to do something on his birthday whereby he feeeeels something, ANYthing. He’s had a pretty tragic life up to this point, death seems to take each person he’s had the audacity to love, he hasn’t hope for anything better, he’s been living in a state of chronic depression, and maybe a hike in the middle of nowhere, some place he can shoot snakes to get some of his angst burnt off, will be just the thing. Immediately upon arriving, he finds he hasn’t the heart to take the lives of snakes just out living from day to day, and he’s ready to bumble off, his depression complete and unyielding.

But out of the woods comes the craziest thing: A bedraggled and twig-ridden golden retriever who immediately takes to Travis. He gives it a good patting, showing a measure of affection the dog seems to enjoy, and is repaid when the dog will NOT let him go deeper down that dark ol’ path into the woods/canyon. At first, Travis is bemused, then miffed, then the hairs on his neck stand out in fright—something creepy, something evil is down there. And as he turns with his canine companion, he realizes it’s ready to cut him off from his truck. He is saved by the dog, and in turn saves the dog from the Creepy Thing.

It’s an opener to die for, complete with the unknown, the heebie-jeebies, rustling in the grass, goosebumps galore. And then author Koontz shows us the developing relationship between the dog, and Travis’s dawning awareness that this dog has a keen intelligence, can learn extraordinarily quickly, and will soon most certainly prove itself to be worthy of his dubbed name of Einstein.

And then we’re introduced to heroine Nora, and things start to go downhill from there. At first I was totally into Nora’s story, as it opens with her being intimidated by a forward television repairman who constantly invades her space and thrusts innuendo upon innuendo into his conversation with her. I mean, what woman HASn’t felt creeped out by men like that; they’re everywhere. But then we’re witness to Nora pretty much caving in on herself, not saying the right thing when it would be reasonable, just being a wooly-minded, mealy-mouthed wuss when all the time we’re HOPing that she’ll discover some sort of backbone, display even the smallest measure of courage. I mean, I do realize there’s such a thing as a character-arc, and we’ve gotta start somewhere. Travis must be shown to be dark and depressed so that we come to enjoy him as vibrant, strong, and loving life. Nora must start as a wuss so that we come to enjoy her when she shows courage and determination later on, so that we can root for each of her successes. But oh the tangents we’re privy to. Nora calms herself by baking a cake; Nora calms herself by eating a cookie; Nora calms herself by thinking of that dog in the park that showed her bravery and affection (Einstein, naturally). And all along Nora’s character-arc, we get to hear how ugly she thinks she is, how she’s soooo uncomfortable with her new haircut, her new dress, for eeeeeons at a stretch. Until suddenly, via the love of Travis, with the hyper-intelligent Einstein by her side, she turns into a veritable Every Woman, in jeans and t-shirts, steadfastly giving Einstein reading lessons as Travis, who may be lovelorn but still snarks his patoot off in a mean-spirited fashion, sits by and watches.

Then we get an assassin extraordinaire who gets off (Naturally) every time someone he targets dies. I mean, puhLEEEEZE, spare me the dude who always has a near-orgasm for each death. I dunno, Watchers was written in the 1980’s, so maybe Koontz was The First author to write the assassin death orgasm, but here by 2020? It just seems like the cheapest literary device available to make a villain a super-villain. I s’pose I shouldn’t complain, except that I will, cuz Vincent the assassin is all OVER this book, but when it comes to the climax (Pun intended, please do forgive me…), his story is hacked in half and he winds up as a bit of a half-note. I mean, why go on for eeeeeons about his villainy and treachery when you’re just gonna wind his story up in such a paltry manner?

I don’t completely agree with another reviewer who said each of the characters were stereotypes and dated. But if I’m honest, maaaaaybe I’ll haaaave to. Nora as weak woman until she blossoms from love; Travis as dead to life… until he blossoms from love; Einstein resolute… until he starts thinking about it and decides he’d reeeeeally like to blossom from love and desires a mate… even as everything hits the fan and they all must fight for their lives. Good people with hearts of gold can be trusted completely; the NSA dude tasked with bringing the dog back to the Lab, tasked with annihilating the relentless and genetically-engineered killer known as The Outsider, is driven and will lie to achieve his objectives, even if it means he has to lie to the only friend he’s allowed himself. Nora as the sole female character in the entire book (Except for one blurb of a young woman on the villain side who is just there to show us how ruthlessly that villain can be as he beats the woman to a subdued pulp… I mean, c’mon Koontz; gimme SOMEthing to work with here!).

Not even Edoardo Ballerini’s excellent narration can save this and turn it into a blood-roiling Excitement Fest. He does well, tho’ I do believe the man is better-suited to more classical works, or to works with better word-smithing.

I dunno, I feel bad for kinda sorta panning what Koontz has prided himself on as His Best Work, complete with all sorts of people telling him: Dude, that was Your Best Work. Can so many people be wrong? Can I?

Nope, I’ll have to tell Mr. Koontz that his best work was his audiobook eulogizing his dog, Trixie. Now THAT story had me weeping silently into my shirt sleeve.

This? Well, maybe it won’t hit the “I Want My Hours Back” bookshelf, but really? 16 and 1/2 hours, really?

Stay for a charming golden retriever, who thankfully is a BIG part of this book. But run like the wind if you’re looking for characters who start at a likable place. Me? I was ready to throttle Nora… and that made me feel GROSSly uncomfortable…!

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