Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died

Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died: Coping with Loss Every Day

By: Ty Alexander / Foreword By: Tia Williams, Janina Edwards / Narrated By: Myra Lucretia Taylor

Length: 3 hrs and 27 mins

Yup, there are dated references (And nods to Oprah...Ick), but soooo glorious…!

This was the third audiobook I’d listened to in this Week O’ Moms, but it was the first that had me well and truly touched.

Yeh yeh yeh… If you haaaated Obama, you’ll haaaaate that imMEDiately there’s a mighty shoutout that the only person right all the time is Michelle Obama followed by various pop references plus author Ty Alexander seeks Oprah (Of all people) for life/spiritual guidance.

I mean, I get y’all who disliked this book grievously? I get ya, truly I do. I prefer my memoirs and self-development books to be lacking to the nods at people of the day. Add to that Alexander is a blogger of note, so you’ll hear ENDlessly about her social media stuff. And again! I get y’all; I’m soooo done with bloggers (NOT including meeeee!) thinking they can write memoirs…

But oh good heavens, I’m telling you. My own Mom? Thank GOD she’s still with our family, but even the sneaking thought that she’s getting older and that Life happens to us all will have me with tears streaming down my face, gracelessly sobbing into a tissue. That my Mom lost her own Mom? Well, this book made me think of her and her all-encompassing grief and horrific loss.

Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died is part memoir, part self-help/guidebook to navigating the darkest periods of our lives: When someone we love has died, and we’re stuck here on this careening planet, knowing it ain’t our turn to get off the world juuuuust yet. How do you live with the void, and what in the blue holy blazes do you do with all the swirling, sinking, devastating emotions that’ll suddenly be part and parcel of your life?

Alexander’s mother was diagnosed with Stage IV lymphoma, and she died after struggling, fighting, surrendering within a year. Alexander at first feels unutterably angry: How dare God do this to me, to her, to our family? Why now, when I’m finally growing up and finding success? Why take her when there are soooo many horrible and neglectful mothers out there?

Soon, she’s battling each of the stages of grief and lets us know: You go through them ALL, -AND- You never ever are finished. It’s: Feel ‘em and Repeat. Until you finish with this life yourself. She becomes her mother’s caregiver, practically the only person who’s not in denial, helping mom get all her comfort meds swallowed, chasing off (With MUCH delightful profanity!) family members who want her to eat just a little bit, or try this, or maybe this really spicy food…

I can’t decide if this is at its best when it’s memoir because it’s truly moving. Alexander, tho’ she’s forgiven herself, remembers her mother home and in hospice, demanding to cook the baked ziti for everyone. Alexander, feeling her mother is too tired, is unswayed and continues to make it on her own. A fight soon ensues, and daughter wonders if p’raps she should’ve just let mother make it. To me, however, it was simply agonizing that both daughter and mother KNOW this will be the last fight they’ll ever have, and isn’t that a luxury that’ll never happen again?

Then I find myself thinking it’s at its best when it’s guidebook to grieving, guidebook to living. Love shamelessly! she tells us. Love like there’s no tomorrow, and love with no regrets, knowing that you WILL have to let go someday. It’s the price of love. Remember that we’ve all been duped, she reminds us: EVERYONE dies; it’s the rules. And to go along with the living is what to do with the crying: Cry bubblesnot tears whenever, be angry whenever. Give yourself permission cuz guess what? You’re going to be doing it all anyway. Why add suffering when life is meant to have only pain?

Myra Lucretia Taylor narrates this AWEsomely, adding oomph to the heavier suggestions, adding rage when there’s anger, adding a sense of choked back tears when Alexander gets to the parts where she simply and purely falls apart. If you’re easily offended by swearing, you’ll want to avoid this book because it’s raw; it’s real. My advice? Get over it as if someone swearing is the biggest thing you have to feel offended by, you’re blessed. Try someone you love dying. THAT’S the greatest hurt you’ll feel, and if THAT doesn’t make you feel defensive, then your priorities aren’t in the proper order.

...just my opinion…

Still, Taylor really bangs each profane word out because Alexander really means it when she’s hurting, when she’s angry, when she’s confused. When she’s betrayed by God (Okay, maybe she stopped feeling betrayed early on, but it didn’t help when he stopped answering the prayers of this Christian Who Never Goes to Church but Who Reeeeeally Has Some Begging to Do). I honestly felt I was listening to Alexander narrating her own work as Taylor OWNS the material, is delivering a top notch performance extraordinaire.

If you’ve EVER lost someone you loved, do give this audiobook a go. It’s touching. It’s heartbreaking.

...And for social media darling? She really has a LOT of depth, so much hard-won and ongoing wisdom (Besides which, her social media community supported her when her own family stopped talking about Mom).

Just hoping I’ll never have to use it, at least not soon. Crying this time around was tough enough as it was.

Included in the Audible Plus Catalog with free listening for Audible Members.