The Lost Recipe for Happiness

By: Barbara O'Neal / Narrated By: Bernadette Dunne

Length: 12 hrs and 11 mins

Bless her sweet, wonderful soul—but not even Bernadette Dunne could save this unholy mess

I was in it for the food and Bernadette Dunne, really I was. Cuz Elena Alvarez? Our chef heroine extraordinaire: Oh my holy golly gosh goshness! What a DESperate mess of a creature!

What do we have? First, our heroine is supPOSedly all Hispanic/Latina from her dad’s side, but she winds up as a blonde and blue-eyed babe. Not that she’s some hot tamale, actually she’s physically a wreck waiting to happen.

Did I mention wrecks? Ooooo, I did. It turns out that when Elena was but an older teen, she was the only person to survive a wreck that took the life of much-loved friends and family members. Plus her unborn child (Which was why she was only PARtially drinking that night… Who drinks when they’re pregnant…?). This tragic accident left her physically damaged, plus she also sees her teen-aged cousin as a ghost. And, oh… Did I mention that she has sex in her dreams with the boyfriend she lost in the accident too? No? I didn’t… Ahhhh, wait. I see I’m getting ahead of myself with something ELSE that drove me nuts about this book.

ANYWAY! She’s been raised in New Mexico, but left to pursue culinary schooling and has moved around a lot to find chef jobs ever since. She’s never been the top chef, so when she gets canned by the head chef (Whom she’s been having sex with for ever so long) and is offered the chance to be executive chef at a soon to be reopened restaurant in Aspen, she jumps at the chance. But wait! During her interview… sparks, yes SPARKS fly between her and the screenwriter/director millionaire hiring her. She’s just been fired, and yet somehow all she can think about is how sensual his lips are. But author Barbara O’Neal goes to great length to let us know that Julian Liswood thinks her lips are mighty danged sensual also.

Things go along, almost instantly they’re kissing, she deals with a creep of a chef underling who she really should fire for insubordination by getting loaded and having a cooking competition with him. Oh, and eventually, like waaaaay soon into the book, Elena and Julian are having hot passionate sex, it’s details details details.

I’m a total prude, and that crud just makes me roll my eyes, but this time I quite simply laughed each and every time they hopped in the sack. It’s cuz I love Bernadette Dunne, and I could just imagine her gasping and moaning and chuckling to herself as she tackled the text rePEATedly veering into hair falling all over the place and nipples being sucked.

Which is WHY I’m soooo peeved with this book. Think about it: I! Yes, Iiiiiiiii am actually having to write the word Nipples in one of my reviews! And I haaaaate that I had to, but obviously O’Neal needs a new sex-based thesaurus cuz apparently lips and nipples are her specialty. OH! And I forgot: “Member”s and “Organ”s and various other unfortunate terms for the male anatomy.

Gotta hand it to Dunne, tho’. She did her very best. She managed aaaaall the characters from kitchen staff to the teenaged daughter of Julian, to the riDICulous Julian himself (And by the way? As a screenwriter, he thinks it’d be just peachy-keen to make his next movie a thriller about a woman who has a tragic car accident in her past… How is THAT for an invasion of privacy?!?). Plus, Dunne manages just the slightest bit of an accent for Elena, so brava for Dunne!

But when all is said and done, Elena is a shallow and whiny heroine who just happens to have that whole: I’m damaged so I won’t let you in prickliness that “pushes” people away. Forget about some of them being such good friends they’ve stood by her throughout her many many sexual relationships. Forget about whether they nibble on her nipples in just the right way. Forget about whether her dog likes them or not.

The best part of this book is the incredibly scrumptious sounding food. There are some descriptions in here that had my tummy rumbling and my salivary glands activated. I’ve taken a trip or two to New Mexico, so the brand of fare she threw together in Aspen sounded simply AWEsome. Plus, misogynistic Ivan, the aforementioned appalling chef underling, came up with a pomegranate baklava that had me wishing audiobooks were Scratch ‘n Sniff. Add to that some recipes sprinkled throughout the book, and HUZZAH for the Food!

Seriously, however, if you’re totally into graphic, and constant, sex? THIS is your book! And if you’re looking to try something new in the kitchen? THIS is your book also!

The food and the dog turned a 12+ hour nightmare into maybe a couple of hours of “Jolly Decent”.

But reeeeeeally! I’m sooooo peeved that “nipples” made it into the review.

I’m scarred, I tell you…