The Epic Fail of Arturo Zamora

Written and Narrated By: Pablo Cartaya

Length: 5 hrs and 6 mins

Decent… but… >MEH<…

First, lemme address Pablo Cartaya as narrator for his books, and here for The Epic Fail of Arturo Zamora: Brilliant, hilarious, what a performance. And? Fully inhabits the characters and WOULDA brought them to supreme life, except for ooooone thing…

You see, while Cartaya knocks the narration outta the park? His, uhm, writing and actual story-crafting does NOT. He might’ve brought characters to life, but he barely sketched them out. Friends? Arturo Zamora has two besties… but they disappear during the story… and they’re basically caricatures, characters who wanna be other people, adopting different modes of dress and speech, so even there, they’re not themselves. A questionable choice on Cartaya’s part. The girl of Arturo’s dreams? Well, Cartaya has her loving poetry, but that’s about it when all is said and done, not much more about WHO she is, other than she misses a recently dead mom, some of the time.

Family members? And do remember that Cartaya wrote the rather brilliant and heart-tugging story, Marcus Vega Doesn’t Speak Spanish that had characters sooo well-drawn as to make the listener wanna weep when injustice after injustice was heaped upon them, when slights and cruel words hit their mark, when mom and little brother struggled as they navigated difficult circumstances, and Vega’s evocative emotions. THOSE characters had me doffing m’ cap off to Mr. Cartaya, wonderful. Here? Not so much.

There is a sense of Cubano Extended Family, with its multitude of tíos and tías, with its plethora of cousins who aren’t really cousins but who belong with the family wholly and completely. On Sunday dinners, they gather, and Cartaya had the opportunity to craft loving relationships, to establish adorable quirks, to display a wide range of personalities. Instead, he barely skims the surface, leaving the Listener exceeeeedingly dissatisfied at best, wholly unengaged at worst. And count me among the latter group…

Arturo is a kidlet, just into noticing girls, namely Carmen, missing her mom and visiting the family in an effort to provide her with different stimuli, etc. etc. When she joins the family, a family who desperately wishes to expand their restaurant, who face the end of their lease in a month’s time, a smarmy real estate developer shows up, wining and dining the community, showing just how great his own plans to develop that extra bit of land are… but… uhm… the land? Turns out, with HIS plans, Arturo’s family’s restaurant is NOT to be seen, will be snuffed outta existence, unless Arturo can upend plans… and maybe even get the girl in the bargain.

Here’s the thing. There’s no, zippo, nada tension. His Epic Fail? As written, it’s just a crappy day where things didn’t go according to hopes, but none of the Fail has lasting repercussions, and worse? Cartaya winds up drawing aaaaalllll sorts o’ little threads together and tying it all up in a hap hap happy li’l bow for a too-charming ending.

Tho’ this deals with gentrification, with inspiration through poetry and writing poetry, it’s all a pretty slapdash affair with waaaaaay too much of the ol’ Happily Ever After BS bringing everything to a close. I mean, empower kids, inspire them to speak and take action, to be individuals of their word, individuals of good and pure action? I’m THERE!

That said? The way this is written is sooooo happy, that it’s absolutely unbelievable, and boy! will it be setting kids of a certain age out for vast amounts of disappointment, of outright pain! Life does NOT end up like this. I mean, bravo for making kids aware of the injustices inherent in gentrification, and kudos for the Family Comes First theme, but the choices that are not the verrrrry best written get in the way of this story really, honestly, truly shining.

Now this sounds like I disliked it all grievously, and that’s actually NOT the case. It’s just that, what’s the ol’ saying: Expectations Are Just Premeditated Resentments? Welllll, I s’pose that Marcus Vega did indeed set the bar pretty freaking high, AND yeh yeh yeh, I came into this apPARently with sky-high expectations that were not met. Not by a long shot.

It had some charm, and gosh knows I WANTED to love this…

But…

Gonna have to settle for a very lukewarm kinda feeling. Better for younger kids, like, muuuuch younger kids who still require buffers between their ideals, hopes, and Reality. Those who require Happy Endings in spite of the fact that NO WAY do things work like that.

If Arturo’s crappy day was an Epic Fail? Oh my good golly gosh, can you imagine just how BAD kids are going to feel when Life and Reality start making themselves known? BeYONd Disappointment and heading big time into Pain and Agony.

Cuz gotta tell ya, my friend: Epic Fails are farrrrr worse than misunderstandings and cute girls who don’t respond, initially, the way one would hope. At least my own Fails have been far worse than that, but let’s leave THOSE at THAT, shall we?

The recipes at the end are charming, and they’re the best part of this audiobook. THOSE shriek FAMILY, and breaking bread with loved ones, and flavors of the homeland, and nostalgia.

It’s just that, oh yeh: We’re talking all the charm coming in the last few minutes. And that’s nothing to hoot about…