The Disappearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements
By: Sam Kean / Narrated By: Sean Runnette
Length: 12 hrs and 34 mins
SUCH True Science, I mean, like, reeeeally! has me Wanting ‘bout, ooooh I dunno, TWELVE of My Hours Back…?!
Back in the old days, say when Austin Truly WAS Weird and not just some cheap slogan that people who moved recently to town angrily emblazoned on tie-dyed t-shirts…
Half Price Books was a couple o’ tiny stores, and the one on Guadalupe St. (Pronounced GWAD-a-loop!) had a deLIGHTful assortment of oddball and eccentric little books. As I was young at the time and fancied m’self an oddball and eccentric git, I’d cash my paycheck and would hit the store for a STACK of books to devour for the month. And I found an AWEsome book called The 13th Element: The Sordid Tale of Murder, Fire, and Phosphorus by author John Emsley.
OH CRUD! Was it a blast, or what?!
So when m’ poor Big Sis picked The Disappearing Spoon for our little audiobook club, I remembered WHY I’d purchased it: That secondary title reminded me sooooo much of that inCREDibly fun jaunt into tales of Phosphorus! Huzzah, shouted I to myself, Huzzah INDEED!
Oh gosh, did my enthusiasm die down to an anguished whimper after, like, the first damned chapter…
Do NOT expect a plethora of scintillating tales. DO expect to be bored outta your mind, esPECially if you shoulda flunked high school chemistry. I think I got an A in the subject, but for the life of me, I do believe I repressed EVERYTHING about that painful experience except for hastily writing cheat sheets, not using them cuz that frantic scrawling embedded them in my brain… for the 1 1/2 hours necessary for the exams… and then POOF! Gone! Disappeared! Neutron Schmootron, whazzis and who cares, really? And oh my GOD is this author fond of neutrons or what?! For like a gazillion (And six!) repeats of how it all breaks down… ALL THE TIME!
Still, when I was older and on my own, ooooooh that Phosphorus book, oh how wonderful! And so I sallied forth into chapter 2.
Uhm, snooooooze… Cuz if there’s ONE thing author Sam Kean would appear to love? It’s HIS knowledge of eeeeeverything so boring it’s practically surreal.
Lemme hit the high bit of the audiobook: Sean Runnette as narrator. He adds the ONLY whimsy to this ponderous 12 hrs and 34 mins of what might be cheekiness—to those with a true affinity for all things technical—and only he could make an entire chapter on just how long numbers can be, or one on just how long names can be, have saucy little flourishes here and there. Runnette was The MOST Maudlin of characters in the Maudlin At the Beginning fictional Breakfast with Buddha, but with nonfiction? Oh good cow, the man is magniFICent! Enjoyed several of his works, especially nonfiction, but didn’t realize what genius his performances could be until the heart-stopping Knives at Dawn where he makes competitive cooking DAZZLING!
Welllll, he dazzles here, when he’s given the stories TO dazzle in. But Kean interjects precious few of those. If you read the Publisher’s Summary? Really, that’s about all you’ll need to get whatever amusing anecdotes there are.
Lemme give you what our little audiobook club enjoyed: Having THE Kilogram in France and how a feeeeew fingerprints over seeeeveral years means it has to be enTIREly recalibrated. Fun bit o’ trivia (But gimme a hint here: Is a kilogram an element? Cuz see, I was led to believe that stories about elements were going to be discussed… you know, in an entertaining light…?). Then we reminisced about Maman’s dad, a dentist, using mercury in dental fillings, finding out how deadly it was, and frantically calling his patients up to replace them. We laughed in amazement as each patient responded with a philosophical: It’s okay; it hasn’t killed me yet. And apPARently it didn’t faze him toooo terribly much as he’d give his grandkids little bottles of the stuff to play with. Uhm, thanks Abuelito…?
Of course then we’d get caught into digressions about what was loooooathsome, and do believe me when I say that Big Sis was reviling the book ALL IN CAPS (I’m sooo glad laptops have volume (+) and BROTHER: (-))! Talk about eclectic—the woman has a brilliant mind and, dude! a verrrry sharp tongue when she’s bored to tears… Ouch, Mr. Kean: Run for cover!.
Where’s the historical background? Limited. Where are the politics of the day? Barely brushed upon. And dude! where’s the whimsy? where are the freaking people?! Man, give Sean Runnette SOMEthing to work with! He can only take a number to the mega power so far, joy in his voice, before even HE sounds like he’d like to break a neck or two!
Is this review too full of little personal stories; little personal asides and memories? You’ll have to cut me a bit o’ slack on that as, truly, The Disappearing Spoon has precious little of those throughout the enTIRe blue-blazing 12 1/2 hours!!!
And just to wrap it all up:
WHERE’S THE PHOSPHORUS?!?
…my needs have not been met…
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