The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear
Series: Zamonia, Book 1
By: Walter Moers / Narrated By: Bronson Pinchot
Length: 16 hrs and 9 mins
I can see where this might be tedious in print—but in audio? Pinchot knocks this outta the park!
I get it, really I do: 16 hours of “lists” might be enough to drive even the most patient of readers up the livin’ walls. But when Bronson Pinchot reads them, maybe not throwing heart and soul exactly into the narration, but certainly adding twists and lilts into his voice: This, The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear by Walter Moers, was an absolute delight!
Moers has a befuddled and ignorant Bluebear adrift upon the ocean with mini-pirates, then stranded upon the waters with only coconuts for company. A pair of rolling waves come upon him and take pity on him, teaching him to speak and to reason, to argue persuasively, to carry himself with an orator’s verve and wit. That the waves have to part company with him to do what they’re suPPOsed to do, i.e. Drive sailors insane with their chatter (I mean, really: Sailor’s canNOT believe the waves are talking, right?), only leaves a newly intelligent and vastly well-educated Bluebear to embark upon MANY fascinating and unbelievable journeys.
Which all take the form of Lists…
It’s not so much that this book is a set of stories as it is that it’s Bluebear ticking off each of his 13 1/2 lives thus far (And Chromo Bears have 27, so Bluebear is halfway through ‘em). And within each of his imPROBable lives, author Moers documents lists of that which Bluebear encounters. This is most notable when Bluebear FINALLY, in all his journeys, gets to Atlantis. Atlantis is a big ol’ Melting Pot of creatures (Humans need NOT enter!), and after listening to many a list before, it was here where I almost lost patience and fast-forwarded my app to get through it all.
Ahh, but Bronson Pinchot is at the helm of this mighty ship, and that makes all the difference in the world! I was kinda turned off, years ago, when I saw that the sitcom star had turned narrator, but a couple of audiobooks later, and I could say that I was/am firmly Team Bronson (Seriously: You’ve GOTTA listen to his narration of Daniel Mendelsohn’s The Lost. 22+ hours never flew by so quickly!). There are maybe a gazillion and six characters in this audiobook, give or take six or so, but Pinchot makes each come alive with unique voicing and styling. It’s not so much that he engages in vocal gyrations as it is that he almost effortlessly smooths each into living, breathing (Non)people. Seriously, there are back and forth conversations galore, and Pinchot never (Well, maybe twice in 16 hours…) mixes up voices.
Plus, Bluebear is frequently, practically ALWAYS, in dire situations (List to section titles such as: The Cobweb of All Cobwebs, and I Face Drowning by Water, and A Really Bad Idea…), and Pinchot amps his narration up according to direness, to hopelessness, to No Way Outta THIS Situation. Really, I coulda listened to this at x1 speed (Did x1.1 just cuz I’m stubborn), and it was sheer perfection. Whether Bluebear is running (For HOOOOURS) from a massive Spider Witch out to kill him, hopping on a miles-long tornado to get him to his destination, or engaging in a Lying Smackdown Contest against his rival and Once Was Hero, the tempo is always managed well, and I enjoyed almost every single sentence, every single word.
Yeah, I can see why this all could be tedious if faced with it in print (And one reviewer haaaated all of it, down to the whimsical drawings that illuminate each facet of each story in the print versions); after all, for a Kids’ book, it’s mighty long.
But listening to it? With Bronson Pinchot lovingly crafting each scenario?
Ahhhhh…! I woulda LOVED to be tucked into bed each night, knowing Bluebear faced yet aNOTHer this that or the other, wondering how on earth he was gonna get out of it. Now THAT would’ve been a blissful thing to look forward to!
Sometimes it’s a truly grand thing to be a kid again!
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