Summerhaven
By: Tiffany Odekirk / Narrated By: Noah Wall
Length: 9 hrs and 44 mins
New Category needed: Jeez! I Want My Daaaaays Back!!!
It’s like this, see: Once upon a time, like oooh, eeeeeons ago, I came upon an audiobook on sale. I gave it a chance cuz, you know, SALE! and SALEs! are one o’ m’ favorite ways to stumble upon new and possibly AWEsome Romances. Nothin’ worse than a cheeseball romance; nothin’ worse than a romance that makes m’ toes curl; nothin’ worse than a decent writer who crafts riDICulous characters.
I came upon Blackmoore by Julianne Donaldson. Even tho’ that particular English romance was narrated by an American actress (I mean, for crying out loud, but still…)? Oh gosh, how I loved it, cried over it, wondered: Oh my, is the author gonna really Go THERE (And she DID)?, sobbed m’ li’l heart out, and may I mention again: LOVED IT?!
Ever since, I’ve been hoping something would come close to such crafting, such a fine and satisfying romance. Enter: Summerhaven by Tiffany Odekirk which has cover art closely resembling Blackmoore -and- which had reviews likening it to, yessss: Blackmoore (Soooo gonna get around to reviewing that one… esPECially now that I’ve a wicked poor taste in m’ mouth)! Friend Accomplice, the cover? the reviews? Chucked a credit at it posthaste, and?
Here I am…
Ready to shoot m’self for spending three, count ‘em, THREEEE! days on this abhorrent Travesty of a Wannabe.
Hannah Kent, aaaaalmost spinster, is still desperately missing her dearest mama who passed away fairly recently, when she receives a missive inviting her to a 6-week visit to Summerhaven, the country estate of her mama’s best friend. AHA! And yessss! thinks Hannah. Cuz you see, when she was twelve-years old, she and younger son Ollie kinda sorta pledged that, when they grew up, they would marry.
Well, Ollie kinda sorta forgot all about that; Hannah kinda sorta did NOT.
From the get-go, Hannah realizes that Ollie’s moved on, is DYING to marry a snooty wench, and it’s up to the much-loathed eldest brother, Damon, to save Hannah time and time again from Ollie’s Disses. Hannah, ostensibly intelligent and strong, turns into puddles of weepy, weak-kneed jelly oooodles of times, but she can’t quite get over the fact that she haaaates Damon for the way he treated her, like, yeeeeears ago. Yep, all that intelligence and strength turns into, in author Odekirk’s hands, the words “FROWN” and “SCOWL” for hoooours of story.
Now, the twist that sets up the inVARiable swoonfest: Damon is being FORCED to wed or lose his inheritance (Or something else rather harsh) when he does NOT wish to; and Hannah obviously requires something that’ll bring Ollie to his senses, maybe make him jealous. The plan, hatched by Damon, is for both Damon and Hannah to openly, in front o’ god and everybody, be seen courting.
For hoooours, Damon shows nothing but kindness, respect, rescue, fondness, the sharing of his true feelings for Hannah. And during that entire time, there’s Hannah doing the FROWN, the SCOWL, with the addition of tears and whinging and moaning for an Ollie who apPARently couldn’t give less of a rat’s patoot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who remembers Every. Single. Solitary slight from childhood. Forget about Damon’s incredible decency and affection. Forget about Ollie being the biggest git written EVER. Hannah is, for eeeeons, a ticked off chit, and whereas the Friends To Lovers bit is a trope I usually detest, it’s even worse here. Because uuuuuusually, in a competent author’s hands at any rate, the whole early Hate part is at least mitigated by deep musings, clever retorts, witty repartee. Is Hannah capable of such humor? Is Odekirk?
Nope.
Noah Wall does extremely well with the narration, to the point where I got tired of smacking m’self upside the head for falling for the cover and the reviews and wanted to transfer said smacks, to maybe WHONK! Hannah upside the head… and maybe even Odekirk? Because, here it is: Wall makes Hannah sound as whiny, as bitter, as petulant as Hannah is written. Those FROWNs, those SCOWLs, are capably translated into tones that inspired Homicidal Tendencies throughout the first several hours; Suicidal Tendencies for the latter half of story. Wall was only slightly growly for Damon, and she managed to make him quite swoon-worthy by the end; and Ollie? Oh good golly gosh: What a complete and unmitigated git, as written, as performed. Still, and most laudably, Wall is NOT American, so my Whatthehell?! This Is An English Romance Wince wasn’t expressed.
Nah, Odekirk MUST’ve studied Blackmoore most fervently; it seeeems so by the way the ending was set up. But dude! did she miss on all cylinders, or what?!
Nah (Again!), I’ll just have to wait to get around to re-listening to that one, to reviewing it… well, now I wanna do it SOON! in the near future. And in the meantime?
This pretty much got me to the point o’ reading the news cuz The Only Thing Worse Than A Waste Of A Credit is a Waste Of Time. And the only thing worse than a Waste Of Time is to Look At Current Events, something romance lovers ADORE Escaping From…!!!
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