No One Writes to the Colonel, and Other Stories

By: Gabriel García Márquez / Narrated By: Armando Durán, Roxanne Hernandez, Marcelo Tubert, Thom Rivera

Length: 5 hrs and 46 mins

Some of the most Non-Story short stories I’ve encountered

One of the first cats I ever had, I named Trevor, after short-story author extraordinaire William Trevor.

Just thought that was an interesting tidbit…

No? Okay, it’s like this, see. Whilst listening to the stories of No One Writes to the Colonel, and Other Stories, I was totally reminded of Trevor’s (Author, not cat) ability to craft huuuuge concepts without a whole helluva lot of verbiage, plot, action. He managed to offer commentaries and insight into issues of the day, into tricky political realities, into human foibles and frailties, and every now and again he chucked in some humor and levity… all when you’d rather have been sobbing with a sense of loss.

And gosh forgive me, but I made the immediate connection between him and Gabriel García Márquez’s (To be referred to as GGM from here on as I dearly haaaate pausing to add accents) as I listened to this collection of shorties.

I know I know I KNOW: GGM’s writing is way more lyrical, the settings become far lusher with his prose, but two things: Trevor? Human frailty and sometimes The Troubles. GGM? Human frailty and a LOT of La Violencia. For the most part, neither of these two magNIFicent writers actually states things so baldly, but they both dance around tragedy and suffering, whether mental anguish or emotional anguish. Both writers write in a painful Never-Never Land, and in GGM’s case, the most horrifically painful occurrences are barely alluded to, chucked out with a statement from one insignificant character to the main ones.

Or, as in the case with the title story: The longtime-married couple posit in an offhand tone upon hearing funeral bells tolling that maybe their son is talking roosters with the deceased right now. AHA! TRAGEDY! But so quietly done as to make it almost feel like a vague unease as the story plods along.

Oops, did I use the word “plods”? Uhm, well, when you’ve not much plot, but you’re commenting on a political situation, saaaay, a violent civil war, ‘twould appear that the endgame is to show the suffering of a wide variety of people from all walks of life and to hint, rather than paint broadly, at corruption and where that gets a person. GGM hints, but never tells, and yet…

…somehow… oh gosh, this was gorgeously written, I so totally felt the settings, and I applauded the manner in which he was able to toss out a line here that meant so much, a situation there that meant so much. Kinda low on emotions until he went BIG with them. Many many MANY incidences of grief, or of jubilation that the Unjust meet the same end as the Innocent.

Beautifully written, but…

Now onto the narration cuz I’m feeling a cheeky twitch to start trashing the man and his much-venerated writing. -Instead- I shall applaud three of the four narrators. The second male narrator, however, sounded like a jerk with a bad head cold. I’d liiiiike to say, based on name credit placement it was Marcelo Tubert, but I shan’t go with it, juuuust in case the offense to m’ sensibilities came from Thom Rivera… Atrocious voice pairing whenever that narrator took the helm, detracting from the -plotless- story. I KNOW it couldn’t be Armando Durán as I know HIS voice, and he’s wonderful. Just as splendid here, tossing out the tiniest smidgen of sorrow, the littlest lead as to just whatthehell is going on behind the curtain in each story. GGM couldn’t have a finer voice actor.

There! Have I given enough praise to this collection? Cuz now I’m going to remind y’all that GGM was the inspired genius who brought us Love in the Time of Cholera. Again? Simply gorgeous, just dude! creepfest. And same here. This is the point where I say: Jiminy H. Freaking Cricket, did the man have to write every woman as a doormat, around even after getting beaten? Or is that just m’ Modern Woman of the Western World coming out?

After the old codger grooming a 14-year old girl in Cholera, man! I do believe I’ll cut myself some slack. GGM Goes There… a LOT.

Okay, here it is: You want gorgeous writing? It’s here. You looking for social commentary? Here it is. How about a thorough look at how things went after La Violencia? Throughout each of these stories, I promise you. And hey, it’s enough that I wanna take on One Hundred Years of Solitude.

It’s just that I can’t get elderly (not a) gentleman helping a tween put on her panties and then tying her shoelaces outta m’ head. Yeh Yeh Yeh: Different book, has nothing to do with these stories, except that his writing is such that you can’t HELP but “see” him, the author, as you applaud his word choices, his use of sentence fragments, his subtle innuendo that hints of sooo very much emotion in the past, sooo very much emotion suppressed in the present. So for me, GGM IS That Perv.

Does that make any sense? I can applaud the writing, the (non)stories that hint of Colombia, all while shuddering because of a previous work of his?

It doesn’t? Well, I can’t say it any other way except for maybe this:

I’m sooo glad my sweet little black cat spent his life named Trevor and NOT Márquez.

…just saying…