Millard Salter's Last Day

By: Jacob M. Appel / Narrated by: Joe Barrett

Length: 7 hrs and 6 mins

Builds then kinda builds then sorta builds then comes to absolutely nothing

Dude! am I into a book deal, or what?! The AWEsome thing about Chirpbooks is that you don’t need a subscription to take advantage of their Limited Time Deals. This, my friend, makes it possible to NOT do that thing I ALWAYS haaaate doing (But which I ALWAYS doooo): Read the Publisher’s Summary.

Nah, with a sale this good, just looking at the cover art and seeing a blurb that called Millard Salter’s Last Day “heartwarming” was enough for me to chuck the pittance at it. And in the mood for Heartwarming (After a week of vaaaaastly disappointing Halloween Listens), I decided to add this audiobook to m’ Listening for the week. You know, cuz sometimes audiobooks touted as such fare can honestly make me feel as tho’ I’ve been cuddled, and who DOESn’t need a good cuddle now and again?

So the story opens with psychiatrist Millard Salter waking up to the day he’s to end his life by suicide. He figures, made it to 75 (Birthday up now, doncha know), and rather than succumb to frailty and illness, he’s decided he’s gonna get out whilst the going is still good for him. Further, he’s to assist a new paramour in her own Aid in Dying due to a truly debilitating and progressive illness. It’s to be death by helium, the full canister perched nimbly atop her fridge, ready to be used on this, her own last day (For Millard, however: Nope, he’s chosen a different method).

And so he embarks on this day (Which I’m assuming is to make us stop and think about our own lives) that’s to be filled with Lasts of Everything: Last time I’ll make my bed; Last time I’ll write a referral; Last time I’ll talk to my feckless son, etc. Alas, as with anything, Man Plans and God Laughs. Cuz everything that could go awry does indeed. An explosion at the post office; an unplanned visitor from his past who takes him down Memory Lane and cops to still having a crush on him. Oh, how pissy he gets cuz he’s on a verrrry tight schedule to get so much done before he hangs himself with his belt.

But this is neither amusing, nor does it instill any sense of sympathy for our main character. Who likes a pissy character? EsPECially when such deviations, opportunities for more self-awareness, ya know, like, something the Listener could admire? are NOT pondered but are instead instantly dismissed.

At no point does Millard accept anything in his Life, not the joys he’s had, not the “feckless” son he wishes to manipulate and Change, nope, nothing, zip, nada. He skims the surface with his Easy Out: I’ll be dead tomorrow so why Think, Feel, ACT, any differently? Those easy dismissals all over the place.

Expect a plethora of quirky acquaintances, and even characters who love him (Gee, hope the daughter he saaays he loves doesn’t find his body! SOMEbody’s gonna find a grotesque corpse…). Expect monkey wrenches thrown into the works.

Expect nothing to happen that softens the heart, or that makes him contemplate with gratitude.

So while I applaud author Jacob M. Appel’s concept, and for Going There, his execution, his inability to make Millard likable, his choice to create a character who has learned NOTHING during his 75 years on this planet, is a definite Booooo for me. Not quite wishing I Had M’ Hours Back as the side-characters were amusingly written, and certainly veteran narrator Joe Barrett’s ability to imbue warmth where it’s otherwise lacking added to my own ability to not fling m’ phone at the wall to Just STOP IT ALREADY, Mr. Appel. This saved some of m’ day.

Did I learn ANYthing about buying a book solely by its cover? Welllll, one would certainly hope so. But you see, sometimes those Limited Time Deals are just so danged good.

I’ll just have to truuuuly scrutinize… well, something beYONd the term “heartwarming” in a review blurb. I’m in sore need of a cuddle after this…