Dying Well: Our Journey of Love and Loss
By: Susan Ducharme Hoben / Narrated By: Marie Hoffman
Length: 9 hrs and 30 mins
Come to this—No judgment (okay, sooome judgment…) and with an open mind and heart
I worked for well over 30-years at a residential school for the blind and visually impaired. But then Covid happened and so little was known about it that I felt reeeeeally worried about going back to work in that setting—Indoors, ooooodles of respirated particles lazing in the air, subpar kn95 masks purchased for a gazillion and six bucks. You remember how bad and scary it was, right?
Well, it was tooooo scary so, when I realized I could retire, I thought I’d do that and then get back to the workforce when all was settled. Maybe go back.
Uhm, nope, and it’s like this see: I’ve signed on to earn my Certification to be an End of Life Doula. Dunno why, but I’ve just been feeling a gnawing little ol’ tug in my soul that’s been pointing me towards doing two VAStly different professions here for my Second Act in Life. This all had me bounding outta my skin to get to End of Life Listening, and I was sooo happy to give Dying Well by Susan Ducharme Hoben a chance.
It starts with Susan’s own run-ins with near death illnesses, from surviving her own cancer and then dealing with heart issues. But then we get to the gist, the weight of a book, a story, that could be very heavy indeed but actually winds up as uplifting and joyous, even if it does indeed inspire a tear or two. Her husband Bruce is diagnosed with esophageal cancer and does everything he can to fight it. When he goes into remission, the couple, their family, rejoice, not realizing he’s not cured. When the cancer comes back, metastatic, he’s just done in. He asks the doctor, who’d been there for all of Susan’s journeys, through this journey of Bruce’s, How much time would I have without more (Extreme) treatment?
The answer is 3-6 months, and when queried further? Closer to 3 months.
And this is where Dying Well gets awesome.
First, lemme get the Judgment outta the way, cuz I do believe it’s a wee bit relevant when considering Susan and Bruce’s journey. One? The couple are extreeeemely well-off, able to afford the best medical care around. This is something VERY few Americans can count on if struck by devastating illness. Two? Not all of us can Make Memories by flying the entire family to a beach getaway. And Three? Not all widows/widowers can make life after the death of a beloved spouse be about such things as: Traveling the world over, going on safaris, writing about Luxury Barging in Europe.
Nope, the vast majority of us are gonna have to make do with crying into the dog’s neck.
Okay, Judgment addressed, now let’s get to where this book is inspirational and can be used as a guide.
End of life has a tendency of throwing all things into sharp focus. A rift in the Hoben family is tackled and dismissed (For some reason Susan’s sister—who married Bruce’s brother—has refused to speak to the two of them for years) with a firm: This Has Got to Stop… NOW. And tho’ things are less than fully warm, they’re decidedly less frosty.
Plus, this is about family getting together, making memories on holidays, noticing the good in every single minute of every single day, of being Awake during your Life. And no, not all of us will get uproarious Roasts from the place where we worked, but all of us can reach out to former co-workers, give them the opportunity to say good-bye (Unless you worked in an extremely toxic environment, in which case? Run, run like the wind!).
And pleeeeeease, if you or someone you love faces terminal illness? Dooo try to move past the Shock Phase and into the Stabilization Phase, where you can consider your legacy, the meaning of your life. Where old photos can be shared and spoken over. Where new photos can be taken for those left behind. Consider videoing the story of your life, your thoughts and ideas, your deepest pondering. Sooo much can be created, leading to satisfaction… and ultimately? Peace and Blessings.
The Budding-Doula-In-Me found the latter chapters the most fascinating as Bruce gets more introspective as his body starts shutting down. Gone is eating for pleasure, here now are glycerine wipes to keep the mouth/lips from getting too parched. Gone are the walks in the sunset with loved ones, here now are sleeping throughout the day from fatigue. Gone is sharing the bed with the love of his life, here now is the hospital bed in the living room with an airbed for Susan nearby.
Gone are the deep conversations. Instead? The death vigil, with people taking shifts to always be awake as he slowly leaves his body. No words of love any longer, instead a soulful glance before the death coma.
I’d be lying if I said I got through the entirety of the book in a clinical frame of mind. Nah, you know me: Lumps in the throat, a tear or two brimming. And when Bruce spends some of his final words to tell Susan he hopes she’ll find someone else who’ll love her as she deserves to be loved? Oh good cow, Tear City! Yup, soooo NOT Clinical!
Marie Hoffman is a new narrator for me, so I was a trifle worried going in. But soon I kept having to look at the Book Details to see that Susan herself was NOT narrating; Hoffman just seemed to inhabit Susan so well. She added warmth, she added humor, she gave the ending just the right amount of joy intermingled with pain and unbelievable loss. Seriously, the Wake while Bruce was still living? The Memorial Service after Bruce died? Yessss, Hoffman did both of those vastly different tones in a manner that brought the lump to my throat.
Yup, dunno what kinda Doula I’m gonna be, what with me being a Weeper Extraordinaire. That might work against me, who knows? But Dying Well was worth it.
And I have a feeling that ALL of it will be worth it…!
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