Dragon Heist

By: Alexander C. Kane / Narrated By: Khristine Hvam

Length: 9 hrs and 7 mins

Sometimes? Do NOT go by the cover; do NOT go by the Publisher’s Summary! YIKES and Noooo!!!

I was recently in my Sci-Fi/Fantasy group, and the premise of the meeting was BAD Sci-Fi/Fantasy. The group leader posited that he could usually tell what he was in for by the Publisher’s Summary, and by the book cover (Like, most of the time!). I shoulda reeeeally considered his Most Of The Time Caveat, cuz see, I was completely swayed by Dragon Heist’s cover. The PS? Oh my, it just made it sound like I’d be in for some plain ol’ wacky, madcap fun with quirky characters. And dude! That dragon on the cover! Like fun but with a Dragon Who Kicks Mighty A**, ya know?

Uhm… no…

What I got was silly. What I got was waaaaay too easy. What I got was the bit o’ vulgarity I was HOPING for (Our heroine, Birdie, is a washed up ex-child star with a penchant for drinking until she passes out, crashing in inopportune yards) just totally making this inappropriate for younguns; but the writing and story-crafting make this dull and inappropriate for older individuals who LIKE tension, who LIKE complications. Who LIKE things that aren’t lickety-split solved and done. And who LIKE, by the way, characters who are fleshed-out and developed, say, at least a LITTLE bit.

Once a big deal in L.A. and Hollywood, before acne and Dragons Came Outta the Woodworks, Birdie Binkowitz is back with her dad in their tiny Southern hometown (Population: Paltry). An odd encounter leaves Birdie with a drawlin’ dragon named Jim choosing her to be his Vox (Speak for him) and to absolutely assist him in a drop dead dangerous adventure. Jim is comparatively weak, comparatively tiny, and aaaaallll the other dragons want him dead and gone as he’s making waves.

And so, to assist him, Birdie helps bring together a ragtag band of misfits to go on this Uber-DANGEROUS Mission.

Except that it’s not. There are trials and tribulations, sure, but author Alexander C. Kane makes the disastrous choice to make all mishaps and challenges minor and easily dealt with. There’s a bit of a problem and WHAM! Done, over, finis! And interspersed through all this is truly sophomoric writing, the silliest (Without being zany) dialogue, and ridiculous plotting.

I WAS blaming it on being part of the high pressure heat dome/heatwave system, cuz I fell asleep whilst listening through this, like, many Many MANY times, but NAH! The lack of tension, the lack of quirkiness, the eeeeease of all engagements had me woefully bored outta m’ mind. So >yawn< and Boooo!

Now the narration? No problem with that whatsoever. Khristine Hvam added as much as was humanly possible to this lackluster bit of “ribald” Fantasy. She brought the single scene I chortled at to life, with Birdie ON FIRE, as she catches her Groove, roller skating and showing off and feeling just mighty fine despite the fact that, at that point, she’s still very much the loser. It was a good scene, where Silly was actually Done Right, and Hvam showcased the humor, Birdie’s cockiness, to perfection. Alas, Hvam was also spot-on for Jim the Dragon’s voice… which was a lazy drawl. I understand Kane’s reasoning, but it was quite simply HARD on the ears and did NOT add much to Jim’s likability. Hvam did a wonderful job performing all that she was given. Bummer that the vast majority of this was underwhelming.

So.

I got this as a Daily Deal. Not tooooo many shekels wasted on this.

That said? 9-hours (And SEVEN minutes, >gasp<) I can NEVER get back.

…Good thing I got some healthy dozing in…