An Arrow to the Moon

By: Emily X.R. Pan / Narrated By: Natalie Naudus, Shawn K. Jain, David Shih

Length: 8 hrs and 24 mins

The most unbearably HOT MESS I’ve had the misfortune to have screeched in m’ ears…

‘Tis a good thing author Emily X.R. Pan reviewed this book herself and gave herself 5-stars. How can one NOT applaud Hubris, Chutzpah, and Egregiously Misguided Self-Congratulations?! Not to mention? In her review she seeks to announce that she has become The Voice for other Asian Americans, cast out, unseen, etc. etc. I mean, not since the woefully self-aggrandizing Sandra Cisneros have I seen such mollycoddling of the self, such Back-Patting, all whilst intimating that each of these authors have had an exceeeedingly hard time getting that last nail pounded in as they loudly announce: Y’all have made me don a freaking Cross to Bear!

Brava, Ms. Pan. Well done, and good luck with that last nail, seriously.

But I see I’ve gone off on a bit of a rage, and I do hope you’ll cut me some slack, as An Arrow to the Moon has been the longest not quite 8 1/2-hours of unmitigated flotsam and dreck. Truly, if Pan coulda added even MORE bits, pieces, trifles of Chinese mythology, some MORE ill-conceived bits, pieces, trifles masquerading as Deep Symbolism, uhm, dude! she TOTALLY woulda. As Pan throws more and more words onto the pages, as she crafts more and more increasingly fraught scenes as the story progresses? Well, Big Sis played Pan’s Ode to Herself about the story getting her Outta The Woods? Well, all we could say was: Yo! If you’re still seeing trees? You are STILL in the Woods!!!

Whadda we have here? Pan says it’s Romeo and Juliet meets Chinese Mythology. Luna Chang is a girl, I daren’t say young woman as she screeches and throws hissy fits like a foot-stomping toddler, who’s suddenly chafing under the yoke of parental expectations. Hunter Yee is a youngish dude who’s been chafing under the yoke of parental hatred all his life but who stays, until he doesn’t, for his young brother. The two, tho’ their families LOATHE each other, are inexorably drawn to each other. And?

Well, snits, menstrual cramps, teen-aged sex, ensue.

It’s to be a story based upon the Moon, and the Hunter with his unerring aim.

But actually it’s a tale of caricatures (Which had me HATING this book from the get-go as I pondered that in The Astonishing Color of After Pan alREAdy Went There with her overdone adults). And it’s a tale of protagonists who make 180 degree personality turns within a heartbeat (Seriously, the pair inspire epiphanies in each other, and posthaste! they’re upending lifetimes of miscues and misapprehensions, all with loving little apologies and poorly-worded ditties of You Were So Right, Gosh I Love Ya, etc. etc. et freaking cetera.)

And as things go on and on (AND ON!), Pan throws in the kitchen sink as she barrels toward a climax that was soooo painful as to inspire in ME! a penchant for jacking up m’ listening speed. It could NOT have been ended in a more chaotic manner, it was just all over the place. We got Evil Dude who is taken care of, and who actually? Wasn’t all that bad. There’s the little brother showing up in the nick of time, chucking a rabbit up and out. Fissures in the earth come and go. Fireflies? Plenty o’ those, and whoo-yee, whazza?!

Ms. Pan? Just write without so many, many, many things being tossed at the reader. A compelling premise? Completely and unutterably ruined by some of the most egregious over-writing ever produced. Not to mention clueless and glib main characters. And a plot that gets waaaay too overdone.

Absolutely hideous.

And soooo NOT gonna give Pan yet another chance. I gave her debut a pass, I overlooked the caricatures, I forgave a plethora of Tortured Similes and Metaphors, I gave it 4-stars because she managed to SOMEhow tie everything up and end with a lovely image. Here?

How many? Oh how MANY image fragments could she throw at her audience? Tooooo many.

Now onto the narration… Natalie Naudus? Oh dear. Screechy when Luna was in one of her many snits, breathy otherwise. Just all over the place. And, and I acknowledge that this is mostly m’ own fault: At higher listening speeds, we hit Cacophony Levels of ear-splitting. Boooo, and when would it all end?

David Shih? Was sooo looking forward to him, but as it turned out? It all sounded like him.

To be fair? I believe the narrators were professional enough to stay true to the text… which was painful on the ol’ ears cuz Pan just went for Uber-emotional overloaded responses.

Okay, outta here because there’s really nothing to add. Plot? Characters? Mythology? Asian American Montague and Capulet?

Extreme and excessive.

And done. Yet another attempt at Magical Realism that bit it big time.

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